Do you ever feel like broken glass?
It all begins with you. What does that mean? It means that you are in control of your happiness and of your life. Why is it so hard? Sometimes I just want to be grumpy, mad, sad, angry….name a word opposite of happy, and sometimes that’s just what I want to be. And you know what, that’s ok as long as I can get myself out of it just as quickly as I wanted to get into that place. Sometimes I want to blame others for something that happened to me or sometimes I want someone to just read what is in my head, and meet my expectations.
Expectation, what a big word. If you are like me, you have very high expectations of yourself and of others around you. That can make it incredibly hard for you personally, always striving for perfection, but also it can make it unbearable for your relationships with those close to you. I may be thinking, “My way is better,” “I could do that faster,” “Why would they think that is what I meant? I was clear in my expectations.” Well I hate to say it, but we are not always right. I am not always right. Expectations are something that beat me up inside. I can get ticked off at the smallest little thing, because it didn’t end up exactly as I wanted it. What’s funny, is that sometimes it ends up better than I was thinking it would be. I am way too stubborn to say it’s better, and instead, stay in my grumpy space. Not only is this a detriment to me mentally, but also to the relationship of the person who pulled it off their own way! And did it well! I don’t like to be proved wrong, because that forces me to be vulnerable. I am not always right, and that’s ok…..dang, that is really hard to say.
I started realizing that I was causing my own heart ache. I was always expecting something more from others, and missed out on a lot of the little things in life. I wanted them to know exactly what I wanted, and when I wanted it. And when I didn’t get it, I would get upset. Why? A part of me didn’t want to be vulnerable. Another part of me didn’t want to open myself up to any type of rejection and the larger part of me, in what I am realizing now, is that my expectations were just too unreasonable. I mean, no one can really know what’s going on inside of my own head, except me, and the only way they would know what I am thinking, is to actually share it out loud.
I don’t walk into a Starbucks and expect a barista to know my order without me saying it. (Granted if you go enough, sometimes they do, which doesn’t help in this scenario.) :) I certainly don’t walk into a local hardware store and expect them to know exactly what I want without saying anything. But I do expect my friends or family members to sometimes know what I am thinking without me saying it. My expectations can be unrealistic for those people who care for me most.
How do you even start to change that behavior? How do we lower our expectations to a point where we feel satisfied, but are not causing undue hardship on ourselves or our loved ones. I started looking at expectation quotes on google, and go figure, most of them say something to this effect, “If you don’t expect anything from anyone, you will never get hurt.” This made my brain spin. That is so true. But how in the world do I stop expecting things?
Needless to say I mess up a lot. I get upset over really dumb things, and I expect too much from people sometimes. Managing expectations, vulnerability, sadness, happiness, chaos, and don’t forget about the grind of the daily life, I can feel like a hot mess. I truly feel like I am broken glass, and I am trying to put myself back together and find a new baseline for my life which gives me ultimate control over my emotions and energy, which is not dependent on other people. I own my life. I own my emotions.
At the end of the day, I want to be happy, and not just want to be, I want to choose to be. My expectations of happiness and my expectations for others were in direct conflict. And honestly, still are. I am on a journey of self reflection and growth and I would love for you to join me! If you have ideas, suggestions or need your own advice, I am here to be a part of your journey as well.
As I jump into better understanding expectations and how they impact my own life, I thought I would put myself out there and be vulnerable, in a way I never thought i would be. Thanks for sticking with me. Let’s start working on building something new and beautiful with this broken glass of ours.
Love and Happiness to all!
Melissa M
Hapinessexpected@gmail.com